I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
