I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
