First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
