Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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