Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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