woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
