Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
