sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
