honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
