we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm always down for nudity.
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