my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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