I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
