how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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