when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
