I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
