soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
