Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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