I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
