I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
