So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
