I didn't shave. On purpose
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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