I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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