My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
