How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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