update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
