you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
someone owes me an orgasm
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
