So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
