I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
