I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
