While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
