I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
