Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
