I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
