I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
