Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
