I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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