I am midnight drunk by noon
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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