Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
