I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
