Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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