I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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