When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
