my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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