Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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