Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize