I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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