Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
