i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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