singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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