you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
